I have been putting off and putting off writing this page of thoughts for what seems like forever now. Each day I think “Today, I am going to write about that!”, only to have the day pass and my head on a pillow as I drift off to sleep with one word floating in my head…”tomorrow.”
Today, I finally sit down and face the blank page.
Today, I want to write about gratitude. I want to write about self-responsibility. I want to write about what I am seeing in a lot of long term relationships…even my own. Glimpses of erosion…that before you know it…lead to a complete implosion of what used to be a relationship.
I call it Jessie’s Girl Syndrome.
Now that I have Rick Springfield in your head…
There are so many times in our lives that we grow accustom to things that are always present. We grow unimpressed. We stop seeing and go on autopilot. Like the times you drive off from your house and hit the brakes halfway down the road…you stop and sincerely question whether you locked the front door or not…you can’t recall doing one thing about it…facing the door…key in your hand…lifting your arm…putting the key in the lock…turning the key…taking the key out. Nope. It is blank slate in your head. You do a three point turn(two point if you’re a badass) and pull back up into the driveway…walk to the door…turn the knob, only to find it locked.
Compare that to that person you have woken up to hundreds of times…maybe thousands. You see their same messy hair. You hear that same voice. You brush your teeth in tandem. You do the same routine every morning. You feel nothing. You’re on autopilot. And if your not on autopilot, you at least have momentary black outs of complete numbness.
Every relationship experiences this to some degree. If you are reading this and you don’t? Kudos to you. You are as rare as a Blood Moon or a free cup of coffee at Starbucks.
You stop seeing your partner. It is a slippery slope too when you stop seeing your partner and start seeing everyone else but them. When you can still feel the same for someone from your past as you did before you got into your relationship. When you can fixate on a person or stranger and apply and project many worshipful attributes to them simply because they are not yours to deal with on an every day basis. Yes, this is a dangerous place to be…because once you choose a lack of gratitude for what you have in return for gratitude for another who you don’t have, your gratitude for your partner disappears for the long haul. Why? Because it is impossible and also unfair to place a person you spend life with next to a person you see once in a while and expect the same level of excitement or awe. Now, notice I am saying it is a slippery slope when you feel no gratitude for who you are with. If you are a person who keeps your gratitude tank full and feels and shows that to your partner on a continual basis and also feels it for others…that is normal human nature. But if you can’t feel both…and you actually find yourself feeling something for another that you should be feeling for your partner…Houston, we have a problem.
Now, I have been in every angle of this scenario in my lifetime. I have, in younger years, found myself looking on the outside to feel attraction and spark while withholding from the person I was with. My eventual dissatisfaction and lack of gratitude killing off every speck of romance, attraction or interest in my partner. Soul evolution over time helped me to see how I was only hurting myself in that scenario, and so I balanced that.
Then I have been the woman who was all too willing and wanting to be the Jessie’s Girl. One particular instance comes to mind where I had an acquaintance I was attracted to. I was single, he had just started dating someone. I was at a point in my life where I was living and thinking less than what I knew was right…in the sense that I used to try to entice a conversation out of him…a flirtation…I threw it all at him, not because I wanted to be with him. No, I would have never have even remotely tried that. I didn’t want a relationship with him. I just wanted a fix for the hunger/need I felt inside but was not allowing my own self to meet by looking within. I disrespected myself, his girl and him by my actions. It wasn’t until I got into my own relationship and had the same thing done to me by women from my partner’s past…that I finally sat down and asked myself, “Why is this showing up in my life and where have I, myself, been guilty of doing the same?” I finally got my answer in the remembering of my behavior in this instance. Soul evolution once again allowed me to see the error of my ways, the self-responsibility of acknowledging that when done to me, I don’t really appreciate it…and so, I chose to stop thinking and doing these things.
I have also been the woman in the equation that is with the man that always wants “Jessie’s Girl” instead of me, the one he has.
In experiencing all of this, I realize how on a scale from 1-10, every relationship experiences this at some point. That moment when you stop trying in your own relationship and give into the superficial hits that come with people that aren’t your every day partner. The easy way.
I guess what I am trying to say here from my own experiences is that we all have a choice. Our relationships are the direct result of what we are putting into them. Is it easy to conjure up excitement for a person you see every day when there are so many out there that you don’t and you can feel that “new car smell” feeling with? No. It isn’t easy. But I will say this, if you start choosing every day to recognize another in your energy while not recognizing the one you are with? It will get harder and harder and harder to ever get back to a passionate and appreciative feeling/attitude for your partner.
I don’t think we realize as humans that we can choose a new way of seeing things in every single moment. That it is a choice. We don’t have to feel numb… or dull… or unmotivated… or uninspired. It is only when we are completely in a present moment, that we have that choice. If any part of us is not “being”…is not connected…is in the past, pining away…or is not in present moment, then that choice to see with brand new eyes isn’t even felt or seen. It’s called being on autopilot…and in your relationship, how many times you can honestly say this happens a day?
I see it in most of the relationships around me. I feel it at times in my own. I am being 100% transparent here when I write this in the hopes we might all ask ourselves the hard questions it takes to get out of autopilot thinking and into present moment.
I know it is so much easier to let it all die away and get it from something new. I know this. It takes hard work to cultivate the art of in the moment gratitude for something that is in all your moments. It takes commitment and vigilance and I know that sounds like no fun at all.
However, I know from experience, the fun comes in being in a full moment, devoid of all compulsion or need to have anything other than what you have. There is such peace in that and also a sense of oneness with all you have…which in turn, makes feeling gratitude as natural a as taking a breath.
Next time you feel you wish you had “Jessie’s girl/guy”…or you find yourself being Jessie’ girl(the object of someone else’s fixation)…or you find yourself the one being taken for granted…take a deep breath and find that place inside where gratitude is as natural as the breath you are breathing…where there is no need or compulsion…where there is only thankfulness for what you have and where you are and who is there with you.
Now…go listen to some Rick Springfield.